All the disgusting and terrible phones I’d rather use than Amazon’s Fire phone

I honestly feel like I’m in a scene from Billy Madison.

Amazon has finally released a smartphone, and since Amazon PR won’t talk to us ever since I leaked the Amazon Kindle 2 like six years ago, I had to go buy one today in order to play with it. The radio silence also might have something to do with all of our incredible reporting detailing every single angle and feature of the phone prior to release, but… anyway.

Amazon has spent so much money on the Fire phone, it’s incredibly incredible how downright horrible it is. The project was almost forced to release years ago, and I just can’t comprehend what device we would be talking about if that had actually happened.

The Amazon Fire phone is probably the single worst phone I have used in recent memory. The user interface isn’t just bad, it’s distasteful, confusing and garish.

Perhaps this quote best summarizes a review I might give this phone:

One of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul…

Here are some phones I would rather use than ever look at the Fire phone again.

The Firefly

Yes, I would rather only be able to call 911 or one other person than pick up the Amazon Fire phone.

A BlackBerry Curve

No, not the latest model, the original 8300. At least I would be able to make out the letters on the screen.

The LG PRADA phone

This was such a terrible touchscreen phone for so many reasons, but at least it’s Prada.

Nokia N90

Not only did this cost around $950, but it was so big you could barely hold it with one hand. Can’t beat the Cars-Zeiss lens, though.

Motorola V600

This was actually a dream phone for me that I waited months for, and it ultimately ended being terrible — but still better than the Fire!

Nokia NGage Jay-Z Black Album edition

I am 99% sure I would rather hold a Choco Taco that spewed Jay Z songs into my head than ever be seen in public with the Amazon Fire phone.